I'm just landed back in the US after what was, hands down, our worst vacation ever. It was supposed to be a nice week in the UK with family, a week in Normandy with the kids to speak French and then home. But everything went wrong. We knew things were going to be funky when we tried to do all the flying on frequent flier miles and could only get coach seats with extra stops on inconvenient days, including red-eye legs. And we knew that I wouldn't have Internet access in France (scary!). But it got oh so much worse.
I'll just list some of the catastrophes and you'll get a sense of my last 19 days. First, that weird rash I had on my arm just before we left turned out to be Lyme Disease (from a tick bite three days earlier). Fortunately the rash looked like a blood infection in the hours before we got on the plane so I went to the ER and they gave me an antibiotic prescription, which happens to be the same way you treat Lyme Disease. So there was nothing to do but just suffer what turned into a full-body rash, a fever, flu symptoms and chronic joint pain. But that lasted for ten days, during which I was just useless.
Then there was the small matter of the rain. It rained Every. Single. Day. For 19 days. It rained in England (widespread flooding, and the wettest June in history). It rained in France (also the wettest June in history, and a good start on the wettest July). When we got back to England, it rained some more. Those of you who tried to watch Wimbledon have a sense of what it was like.
Then the airlines lost our luggage TWICE. Once permanently. We had to wear the same clothes for two week and share two toothbrushes between six people. (Yes, I know we could have bought more toothbrushes, but they were eight euros each at the airport and we refused on principle).
Then the youngest girl got head lice.
Then airports were attacked in the UK, so every check-in turned into a two-hour ordeal.
The kids refused to speak French. Indeed, despite a whole week of drilling in that very country, the youngest one still couldn't even remember the word French.
Now I'm at the airline lounge in Boston, waiting six and half hours for my flight home to San Francisco.
The only good that came from this fiasco is that it was so decisively terrible that I may never have to go for a whole-family vacation in Europe again. It's road trips to Tahoe and the beach from now on. Hurray!
I thought I'd had some bad travel luck lately (significant problems with every one of the six flights I took in a month), Chris, but you win. Wow. Sorry to hear that.
Posted by: joanna pearlstein | July 09, 2007 at 11:12 AM
Oh yeah. Chris, you win the Travel Nightmare of the Year award. Holy cow. But just know you gave us all a very entertaining blog post! Here's to road trips and wireless internet access!
Posted by: Michele Miller | July 09, 2007 at 12:41 PM
I've come to believe that kids never practice foreign languages overseas because they're afraid of looking stupid. Parents are *used* to looking stupid, so we happily blunder ahead with our Lingua Touristica, ignoring the locals' rolled eyeballs.
As for the bad vacation, take solace in the fact it will produce more family hilarity in decades to come than all your good trips put together. Shared jokes are worth some rain and lost luggage.
Posted by: Dave B | July 09, 2007 at 12:43 PM
Wasn't that a Chevy Chase movie?
Posted by: Fred | July 09, 2007 at 12:47 PM
Vacation? You get vacations?
Lucky bastard!
Posted by: Douglas Karr | July 09, 2007 at 01:08 PM
BOY, that is hard! I'm happy to come by Logan and drop off some goodies to make you and your poor family feel better!!!
My trip to India (20 hours nonetheless) was less terrible..............!
Harsha
Posted by: Harsha Raghavan | July 09, 2007 at 01:16 PM
Chris,
I'm currently posting my backlog of posts about my own vacation to England over the last few weeks - many of the same experiences as yours of course, from incessant rain to ridiculous transport delays owing to the terror attacks.
We had the worst timing in history. The only time we could see a play in London in the afternoon was the only day, period, that they had no matinees. The only three days that absolutely nothing was happening in York were the only three days that we were there.
Add to that a four hour plane ride from Glasgow to Heathrow - gas leaks at Heathrow, miscounted luggage, three hours late in picking up my 14 year old daughter flying for the first time - and four hours of public transport from central London to the outskirts the next day - emergency evacuated subway stations, missed buses, etc - and you have An Ordeal.
I also got sick during my entire stay on the Isle of Skye and saw mostly the view out the window (a nice view, nonetheless).
Despite all this, we had a good time, and Scotland was lovely. Next time, skip England and go straight to Scotland.
Yehuda
Posted by: Yehuda Berlinger | July 09, 2007 at 01:16 PM
Many sympathies to you. Hope the Lyme's is all cleared up.
Posted by: Mary Warner | July 09, 2007 at 01:25 PM
That is beyond awful. My sympathies. In spades.
Posted by: Kevin Smokler | July 09, 2007 at 01:34 PM
Poor you :-( and which country did that did that tick come from I wonder :-)
Posted by: Geoff | July 09, 2007 at 03:42 PM
Tahoe!?
With your luck you would have arrived there at the beginning of the wildfires, and they would have burned whatever your means of return was.
Seriously, I hope I never have a vacation like yours.
Posted by: blooflame | July 09, 2007 at 06:03 PM
think positive !
Posted by: cdub | July 09, 2007 at 06:37 PM
Having a great time in Europe comes down to planning. Rain shouldn't even matter.
Also, trying to get away dirt cheap will guarantee you a less than satisfactory vacation, especially with children, anywhere in the world.
Posted by: Jimmy | July 09, 2007 at 08:17 PM
Really sorry to hear about your visit to Britain. If you'd come in April it was positively tropical... global warming seems to be making our weather crazy.
If you ever do come back to Britain let us know and we'll lay on umbrellas for you.
Posted by: Rob Blackie | July 10, 2007 at 02:01 AM
All I can say is the rain and the terrorism aren't normally that bad. It's worth trying again if you can face it.
Posted by: Paul Morriss | July 10, 2007 at 03:43 AM
If it's any consolation, speaking as someone in (suddenly sunny) England, the worst airline experiences I ever had were when Continental misplaced my luggage somewhere between New York and Houston. It finally turned up the following day in Belize, but to this day I still own clothes bought in the Disney Store at Houston airport.
To be fair on them, Continental gave us complimentary washbags as a "no idea where your luggage is, how can we help!"
Fortunately, this was in the days before we had kids!
Posted by: Mark Harrison | July 10, 2007 at 03:49 AM
It also sounds like there is nobody that you can sue for this unjustice...too bad
Posted by: Sundarlal Chuddha | July 10, 2007 at 11:04 AM
Hi Chris,
Poor boy!!
forget this bad experience and, please, come to Brazil!! the trip does not take so long and You and your family will enjoy a lot.
Brazil is a beautiful country , good people, great food and restaurants. Well just think Brazil for your next trip. I believe that your kids will learn and practice Portuguese faster than you think.
C`ya!!
Flavio
Posted by: Flavio Saldanha | July 13, 2007 at 03:54 AM
You didn't get shot.
Posted by: William Koplitz | July 13, 2007 at 04:49 PM
Please, stay in the states...
Posted by: M. L. | July 15, 2007 at 07:22 AM
Definitely a Chevy Chase movie crossed with John Candy and Steve Martin "Planes, Trains..." I will never complain about mine ever again. As Molly Bolt's mother said, "worse things happen to nicer people."
Posted by: Annie Moriyasu | July 16, 2007 at 01:18 PM
PS: Thanks fer the Monday morning larf!
Posted by: Annie Moriyasu | July 16, 2007 at 01:20 PM
You're stinking rich, you can't buy your children and wife normal tickets and clothes like a man? Are you nuts? Your wife should make the plans next time. Obviously you are incapable of predicting what would've happened, you don't travel to England in July and expect nice weather, and you don't fly coach. Boo hoo, I'm crying a river for you.
Posted by: Hev | July 23, 2007 at 04:00 PM
Sharing toothbrushes is disgusting! But at seven Euros a pop...sure makes economic sense.
Posted by: Sheila | July 23, 2007 at 04:58 PM
Keep an eye out for long term effects from Lyme disease. Read everything you can about it and do anything preventive. Thanks for changing your sidebar. Your sense of humor is a saving grace. NextFest next!
Posted by: Irene | July 28, 2007 at 05:19 PM
You know where it says to type the funny security letters to prevent automated robots from sending messages? I picture an autonomous, humanoid robot making comments and maybe getting offended.
Posted by: Irene | July 28, 2007 at 05:23 PM
Chris, do you think that if Washington DC would receive rain for 40 days in a row and be half flooded the US government would review it's attitude towards Climat Change and CO/Kyoto policy ?
Posted by: David | July 31, 2007 at 12:36 AM
I admit this is why I always carry my designer shoes in my carry-on. It seems so silly to do, but they're $500 - $600 a pop. It baffles security every time but there is no way in hell I'd want them lost. They're not replacable.
Glad you're back safe!
Posted by: patricia | July 31, 2007 at 12:39 PM
Is one of the symptoms of Lyme disease whingeing hypocrisy? (Actually, that's two symptoms.) Try visiting the US as a European and going through /your/ security checks. The weather was unfortunate - but with hundreds of thousands of people's daily lives affected by them, it's hard to feel sorry for some rich, spoilt halfwit complaining about his holiday being damp. And if the toothbrushes are such an issue for you, buy them. Pathetic.
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Posted by: kabin | June 13, 2009 at 10:30 AM
Hi....My name is Melody and I am Ron's daughter - the one who has the fear of flying. Dad forgot to mention that his seat broke/collapsed and was forced to be horizontal on his drive back to Christchurch(a full 6.5 hrs drive). Jade my daughter broke both wrist. I shared a mouthful of his food and joined him with poisoning. I hurt my knee and required medical attention over three days.
BUT, it was the funniest holiday that I have ever had the pleasure of enjoying. My husband and I are taking the children to visit his sister in New York City in October of this year, you should encourage Dad to join us - to make up for NZ!Best wishes
Posted by: gifts for her | November 10, 2009 at 07:54 PM